Sunday, November 6

Dying alive

I know what dying feels like
It's an ache that begins in your heart
A slow crawling, smoke rising fire
Burning itself up to your throat
Sliding itself into your belly
There is no need to eat or sleep
There are no words to speak of
Your thoughts run in circles
Thinking too many things at once
There is no relief
Only waves of pain
Choking, unrelenting, all encompassing 
There is nothing left but acceptance
You allow the tears to pool at your eyes
To descend slowly down 
And you start to feel numb
Slowly letting go as you die 

Saturday, January 30


I want one last day with you
To relish in the comfort of you
To lay behind you,against your broad shoulders,
Or hide away between your arm & chest

I want to close my eyes against you
And in silence, just be with you
Hear your breathing and take in your scent.

I want one last time to memorize it all.

I want one last glance at your face.
One last chance to see the fire that burns in your eyes,
To be amazed by your magnificent smile,
To see all the little imperfections that make your face beautifully perfect to me.

I want one last kiss from your lips.
To taste you in your purest form, 
To feel the energy that fuels my love for you.
Just one last time. 

I want to hear your voice one last time.
To hear you say little familiar things that will always remind me of you. 
To hear your hearty laughter echoing in my ears.

One last time, I'd like to hold your hands.
Feel them entertwined within mine.
Feel them shake and steady in their warmth, 
Contemplating how empty mine will feel from now on. 

I want one last day with you. 
To live in the moments of that day.
To share with you, to feel with you, to be happy. 

The catch of course, is that I want that day to never end.

Thursday, December 24

Monsters are so very real

She told you lies and they still mean everything to you,
I poured out my soul into truths and you barely read them.
She used you and threw you away and yet you still remain at her feet,
I gave you everything I had and welcomed you into my heart and you stomped all over it.
She spit on you and you acted like it was a gift,
I fed you from my spirit and you left it out to rot like garbage.

She broke you, into a million pieces that I carefully picked up and sowed together.
You took what you needed while I begged you not to ruin me.
You destroyed me, combing through the ashes and feeding me to the wolves. 

Tuesday, June 23


It would seem you take for granted how little I ask of you
How I stay even with all these unanswered questions 
You rather give me silence then the truth
Because it's the only way you won't lose me for sure

All I can do is pretend to be alright with all of this
I live in the moment with you
I let things go so as to not ruin them
try not to get ahead of myself
Until you realize that I am the trophy 
I may not look like it at first glance
But if you give me what I deserve you will see how I shine

Some days with you are perfect
Actual moments where happiness is real
Where I want time to stop dead in its tracks
And I relish those moments. 
Take them in second by second
Savoring the feeling with every tiny bit of myself
That is how I know this is real

I'm not like them, we both know that
So stop treating me like I'm just someone else 

Sunday, June 14


The way my head fits perfectly in the little nook created on your back, between your shoulder blades when you lay on your side, 
It makes me feel like we're nothing more than puzzle pieces. 

But to you I'm just a fleeting thought. A way to fill the time when no one else is available.

Being away from you was brutal
But being back in your embrace feels like home
like the world is a tiny place that we can inhabit as we see fit
By your side I feel fearless towards all the uncertainty.

But it's all false. All of it a joke.
You smile & throw around cute names and false promises
but it's only for the moment. 

We are perfectly imperfect together
It's selfish for me to want to be by your side
Because next to you I'm the strongest I've ever been.
You make me want to take chances I never knew I could.
You make me feel calm, content and ok in my own skin.

Yet to you the reasons for being with me are completely different.
Or so it would seem.

Your energy is nothing short of magnetic.
With you I can shut my eyes because I feel completely safe
while at the very same time I know I'm not. 
You offer me the security of a rotten safety net
that could give away at any moment and send me plummeting into disaster 

I've seen the fire in your eyes, heard it urgently command your voice
And yet the questions I ask you remain completely unanswered. 

I know how lonely life can be 
I've walked those cobblestone paths many times before
But deep, deep down being without you is a shade of loneliness I never want to know.
Even though I acknowledge that this is only a matter of time

I don't have any words to describe your real affect on me.
I can't explain it exactly the way it feels.
Just know that for you, anything you ask is possible 

Even though you're the last person who deserves any of it.