Sunday, June 14


The way my head fits perfectly in the little nook created on your back, between your shoulder blades when you lay on your side, 
It makes me feel like we're nothing more than puzzle pieces. 

But to you I'm just a fleeting thought. A way to fill the time when no one else is available.

Being away from you was brutal
But being back in your embrace feels like home
like the world is a tiny place that we can inhabit as we see fit
By your side I feel fearless towards all the uncertainty.

But it's all false. All of it a joke.
You smile & throw around cute names and false promises
but it's only for the moment. 

We are perfectly imperfect together
It's selfish for me to want to be by your side
Because next to you I'm the strongest I've ever been.
You make me want to take chances I never knew I could.
You make me feel calm, content and ok in my own skin.

Yet to you the reasons for being with me are completely different.
Or so it would seem.

Your energy is nothing short of magnetic.
With you I can shut my eyes because I feel completely safe
while at the very same time I know I'm not. 
You offer me the security of a rotten safety net
that could give away at any moment and send me plummeting into disaster 

I've seen the fire in your eyes, heard it urgently command your voice
And yet the questions I ask you remain completely unanswered. 

I know how lonely life can be 
I've walked those cobblestone paths many times before
But deep, deep down being without you is a shade of loneliness I never want to know.
Even though I acknowledge that this is only a matter of time

I don't have any words to describe your real affect on me.
I can't explain it exactly the way it feels.
Just know that for you, anything you ask is possible 

Even though you're the last person who deserves any of it. 

The cost of want

I want you, all of you inside of me
Inside the visions I behold with these large eyes of mine
Inside the walls I've built to protect my shattered heart
Inside my mind in memories and unspoken thoughts,
Inside my mouth describing you with the words that I speak
Inside my dreams when I'm asleep
Inside my ears, I want the sound of your infectious laughter. 

But you, 
You want only my affections to dull reality,
You want my kisses when the need arises,
You want my hand to hold when you're trudging through mundane tasks,
You want my company whenever you are bored.
You want me when I'm the only option. 
You want me around only when it's convenient.

Unlike mine, your want is conditional. 
And yet every time, every single time
Despite all this, I'm yours to have. 


Yesterday I dined on my pride
I swallowed it whole in one gulp
I did the unthinkable and broke my usual silence
For once, I took the first step first

This is how I know that you are different
I cannot walk away from you
I'm completely unlike my usual self
Maybe that's because I never was myself at all
I was always too afraid 
But with you the stakes far outweigh the fear

I rationalized that you too are afraid
And it's my job to lead this time around
To show you how not to let things go
To make you see your worth through mine

You thought I was asleep, but I wasn't
And when you softly placed that gentle kiss upon my shoulder
I knew I'd made the right choice
It perfectly summed up everything you hold back in your lack of words.

it meant more to me than you will ever know.

Tuesday, June 9


I didn't think there was anything left to break. I was so wrong.

There's no way around it. I miss you.
The sound of your laughter.
The scent of your skin.
The way your skin wrinkles around your ears. 
The way you push up your glasses when they start to slide down your nose.
The silly smile you get when you're excited about something.
I miss your neck inviting my kisses.
I miss running my hands along your back.
The little noises you make when we make love.
The way you sleep so peacefully and let out little moans when I cuddle up against you.
I miss watching you.
I miss rubbing the top of your head and feeling your hair against my fingertips.
I miss the feel of your cold fingers interlaced with mine.
I miss your eyes on me.

I miss you. All of it. Everything.

Thursday, June 4

Lay in your lies

Sure, there are plenty of things I have to forget. 
But I promise you that you will have much more to regret. 
I never have to be in any of those rooms again. 
But randomly you'll look for me within those walls like a ghost. 
The memories of me there will haunt you even in the daylight. 
You'll hear the sound of my laughter echoing in the silence. 
Every dirty dish you clean will remind you of a meal we shared. 
Running errands by yourself will remind you of your loneliness  
And just when you think you've forgotten me
you'll find little remnants of me in the most random of places. 
Strands of hair, things I may have left behind.
As you lay your head to sleep at night you'll think of me not laying there by your side. 
You'll miss the warmth of my hugs,
The smell of my skin, my kisses on your neck.
You'll hear people say things and hear my voice instead.
You may not have realized exactly what you took for granted, but you will.
You don't realize it just yet, but all those demons are yours to keep. 
Good luck with that.